This is to be a post of musings about life....specifically and egomaniacally....mine. Sort of a self indulgent time capsule. I am turning 70 in March, so I've earned it, especially because for most of my life, I remained comfortably anonymous, tucked away in my own introverted and circumspect world, tiptoeing into creative endeavors then pulling a secret cloak over my head lest someone notices and reacts negatively. That too is changing........
I reflect on my 6th decade, now coming to a close, and marvel at the considerable amount of achievements and self fulfillment, of my own doing, that I experienced during this time.
I lost my job 8 months after my 60th birthday and took a year and severance money to travel and brood, not really concerned about what I would be doing once I went on a quest to find new and gainful employment. I was always able to find a job in the past, given my background and experience in the fashion world and never having to contend with ageism until now. That was 2007, Obama would become our 44th President with promises of jobs for the unemployed but at 60, for me, that wasn't going to happen. I don't blame him for my misfortune. (Other things maybe, but MY lot in life was my own responsibility...and its solution, mine alone.)
I knew if I wanted to continue in the fashion world I had to compete, and CAD design was something I had dabbled in but never fully learned how to use because I never had to in my job as color coordinator. I decided I wanted to get back to my textile design roots and create prints and graphics with Photoshop so I bought a book on textile and fashion design for Photoshop, opened to page 1, and began teaching myself literally, page by page.
It was the second time I made up my mind that there would be nothing stopping me from learning a skill. The first time was a few months prior when I decided to learn how to play the violin. In both cases I repeated the mantra "I will suck, but not forever" and so I floundered and cringed through shrill sour notes on my $50.00 Chinese violin, (which actually sounded better than my feeble attempt to play it) and took many a deep breath and re-read my Photoshop book, underlining and highlighting each sentence until the pages were rainbow hued in yellows, hot pinks, and phosphorescent blues. When I got the gist of the program, I managed to eke out some decent design samples and layouts and so, 6 months later, with portfolio in hand, off I went to employment services and temp agencies, and onto job interviews and freelance assignments. Disasters all!!
I would walk into a room and watch the faces of the interviewers I'd meet sink with disappointment once they saw I was not a fresh faced college grad. Or I'd be hired for a freelance assignment , only to, in my inexperience and funeral pace, take way too long to complete the task. So the assignment would abruptly end and I'd never hear from the agency again.
My fiddle experience was not much better, but I plowed along in my adult beginner Suzuki class with other scratchy beginners. We sounded awful but had fun knowing that we all sucked and didn't care. It was a very telling year for the creative me, filled with frustration which made way to anger, which made way to determination, which finally, made way to pure joy!! Also, the realization that I will never be good at classical violin, given my time restraints and the arthritis slowly creeping into my hands, so why not try a more forgiving style of music, one that I've seen fiddlers older than me play with grace and gusto. I began studying Irish music....Jigs, airs, strathspeys, reels, hornpipes. Fast forward 10 years later, and I can tell myself that I no longer suck with some modicum of self confidence.........I'm not ready to join a band (nor do I see doing so in my future) and feel I still have a long way to go, but the screeching has subsided and I've managed to hit those sweet spots that bring a smile to my face more often then not. I've even sat in on a couple of open sessions at Dempsey's, an Irish pub in lower NYC (only to have it close once I actually had enough courage to do so again) But, mission accomplished and I look forward to playing a bit of bluegrass with other slow jammers nearby.
In the same way time and unflagging patience has given me music, so have I mastered my design skills on the computer and am actually working and getting paid for designing once again. Even when I was hand painting textile designs back before Computer Aided Design took over the fashion world, my confidence was at a minimum and I felt like a fraud during my studio days and the time I spent at Carole Little. I look at it differently now, as I approach all art. It is all experimental. What starts out one way....as an idea, a concept, a motif, a color combination......can and will most likely blossom into something totally unexpected and so that's how I approach designing. In my next decade, as long as there is one and for as long as I am able, I'll create art using this approach and create music safe in the knowledge that I don't sound so bad after 10 years of perseverance. Imagine....I look forward to checking back to this blog and reading over this time capsule. Who knows what delight is to come?
I reflect on my 6th decade, now coming to a close, and marvel at the considerable amount of achievements and self fulfillment, of my own doing, that I experienced during this time.
I lost my job 8 months after my 60th birthday and took a year and severance money to travel and brood, not really concerned about what I would be doing once I went on a quest to find new and gainful employment. I was always able to find a job in the past, given my background and experience in the fashion world and never having to contend with ageism until now. That was 2007, Obama would become our 44th President with promises of jobs for the unemployed but at 60, for me, that wasn't going to happen. I don't blame him for my misfortune. (Other things maybe, but MY lot in life was my own responsibility...and its solution, mine alone.)
I knew if I wanted to continue in the fashion world I had to compete, and CAD design was something I had dabbled in but never fully learned how to use because I never had to in my job as color coordinator. I decided I wanted to get back to my textile design roots and create prints and graphics with Photoshop so I bought a book on textile and fashion design for Photoshop, opened to page 1, and began teaching myself literally, page by page.
It was the second time I made up my mind that there would be nothing stopping me from learning a skill. The first time was a few months prior when I decided to learn how to play the violin. In both cases I repeated the mantra "I will suck, but not forever" and so I floundered and cringed through shrill sour notes on my $50.00 Chinese violin, (which actually sounded better than my feeble attempt to play it) and took many a deep breath and re-read my Photoshop book, underlining and highlighting each sentence until the pages were rainbow hued in yellows, hot pinks, and phosphorescent blues. When I got the gist of the program, I managed to eke out some decent design samples and layouts and so, 6 months later, with portfolio in hand, off I went to employment services and temp agencies, and onto job interviews and freelance assignments. Disasters all!!
I would walk into a room and watch the faces of the interviewers I'd meet sink with disappointment once they saw I was not a fresh faced college grad. Or I'd be hired for a freelance assignment , only to, in my inexperience and funeral pace, take way too long to complete the task. So the assignment would abruptly end and I'd never hear from the agency again.
My fiddle experience was not much better, but I plowed along in my adult beginner Suzuki class with other scratchy beginners. We sounded awful but had fun knowing that we all sucked and didn't care. It was a very telling year for the creative me, filled with frustration which made way to anger, which made way to determination, which finally, made way to pure joy!! Also, the realization that I will never be good at classical violin, given my time restraints and the arthritis slowly creeping into my hands, so why not try a more forgiving style of music, one that I've seen fiddlers older than me play with grace and gusto. I began studying Irish music....Jigs, airs, strathspeys, reels, hornpipes. Fast forward 10 years later, and I can tell myself that I no longer suck with some modicum of self confidence.........I'm not ready to join a band (nor do I see doing so in my future) and feel I still have a long way to go, but the screeching has subsided and I've managed to hit those sweet spots that bring a smile to my face more often then not. I've even sat in on a couple of open sessions at Dempsey's, an Irish pub in lower NYC (only to have it close once I actually had enough courage to do so again) But, mission accomplished and I look forward to playing a bit of bluegrass with other slow jammers nearby.
In the same way time and unflagging patience has given me music, so have I mastered my design skills on the computer and am actually working and getting paid for designing once again. Even when I was hand painting textile designs back before Computer Aided Design took over the fashion world, my confidence was at a minimum and I felt like a fraud during my studio days and the time I spent at Carole Little. I look at it differently now, as I approach all art. It is all experimental. What starts out one way....as an idea, a concept, a motif, a color combination......can and will most likely blossom into something totally unexpected and so that's how I approach designing. In my next decade, as long as there is one and for as long as I am able, I'll create art using this approach and create music safe in the knowledge that I don't sound so bad after 10 years of perseverance. Imagine....I look forward to checking back to this blog and reading over this time capsule. Who knows what delight is to come?
